How do you see your value?

For many, it's directly tied to their job title, productivity, and achievements.

That checklist we were handed at birth by society — to fulfill.

You work tirelessly, chasing the next promotion, revenue milestone, or follower count, hoping that finally—you'll feel valuable.

That you'll BELONG.

That you’ll be SEEN.

But what if this “productivity" is just "workaholism" in disguise?

We blame corporate America, hustle culture, capitalism... but the truth?

👉 It's us. We struggle to detach.

And this attachment?

It keeps us living in the mind — away from the present, the NOW.

So, within a blink, life passes us by.

My Story: The Moment I Attached My Worth to "Success"

At 15, I was kicked out of my home by my stepdad.

In that moment, I made a vow:

"I will never depend on anyone. I will make it on my own."

I built my life around external success markers—money, titles, and the next milestone.

For years, I pushed myself harder, thinking that once I achieved enough, I would finally feel safe. Valuable. Enough.

Once one dream would be fulfilled — I would set my bar higher. There was no limit.

And guess what?

This didn’t exactly give me the love I desired.

It took me a decade to realize:

👉 I wasn't working for just financial stability

👉 I wasn't even working for joy

👉 I was working to feel WORTHY

Maybe your story isn't as extreme.

But if you've ever felt like your work is who you are—then you know the feeling.

Especially, when that job or career is gone — What do you identify with?

Instead of Facing Ourselves and Our Emotions — We Channel Them into Work

Many people turn to work when something in life doesn't work out.

A breakup. A loss. A deep feeling of loneliness.

Instead of facing those emotions, they channel energy into work—a pursuit that society rewards.

To prove. To distract. To numb.

The result?

👉 You reinforce the belief that success = self-worth.

It's easy to ignore when things are going well.

But then? A layoff. A failed business. A missed promotion.

And suddenly—you don't just lose the job.

You lose yourself.

Why Overattachment is a Trap Society Sets Out for Us (And Why It’s So Hard to Avoid)

From the moment we're kids, we're taught that achievement equals value.

🏆 Your school: "Yay! You got into Stanford!"

💼 Your parents: "Awesome, you're a doctor now!"

🚀 The media: "Look at this 25-year-old running a $25M company!"

The world whispers, "Attach your identity to your job title. Then you'll be happy."

And we listen.

We grind. We chase. We build.

Until one day, we wake up and wonder, Why do I still feel empty?

It doesn’t help that there’s a game like “action and reward”.

Extra bonus = nicer car

Higher salary = bigger house

Online business = remote freedom

And so on…

But it’s like a sugar high and a sugar crash

The Dangers of Tying Your Identity to Work

1. You only see one version of success.

Discipline and focus are necessary to achieve goals. But if you never zoom out, you may end up climbing the wrong mountain.

Or spending your life working in a job or industry you don’t actually enjoy…

You become so hyper-focused on career goals that you forget to step back and ask, "Do I even want this version of success?"

2. You keep reinforcing that your worth = your work.

Your happiness becomes dependent on:

✓ The next promotion

✓ The next funding round

✓ The next revenue milestone

It never stops.

You're now a well-oiled machine in the capitalist system—measuring your self-worth in numbers.

And still feeling like you're not enough.

3. You're more vulnerable to burnout.

When work is your only identity, everything else shrinks.

Your health. Your relationships. Your creativity.

If you pour everything into one identity, and that identity collapses?

You have nothing to hold onto.

4. You’re less resilient to change

A layoff, a failed business, an unexpected career shift — if your identity is only tied to your job, these moments feel like losing yourself.

If your worth is tied to being a "Product Manager at Google," getting laid off can leave you spiraling, wondering, "Who am I without this job?"

If your identity is built on the success of your startup, what happens if the business fails? Or even if it succeeds and you exit? What now?

I see this happen over and over again.

People check all the boxes, get the dream job, build the company, and make the money, only to wake up and feel empty.

So how do you break free?

5. Your life becomes one-dimensional

If your entire identity is built around work, other parts of you don’t have space to grow — your relationships, creativity, or even your ability to slow down and enjoy life.

What You Can Do To Break Free & Understand Your Authentic Self

Practices and reflections to detach self-worth from work, reconnect with one’s authentic self, and cultivate internal validation, emotional resilience, and multidimensional identity.

👉 1. Detach from your current identity.

You'll go through many identities in life.

📌 Graduate of X university

📌 Engineer at Meta

📌 Founder of Y company

📌 Parent, partner, leader, artist, creator

It's normal to attach. But you must also learn to detach.

Ask yourself: "Who am I beyond this title?"

👉 2. ZOOM OUT! See life as a theater play (where you're just playing different roles).

One of my biggest "Aha" moments happened in New York.

I stood in my friend's Williamsburg apartment, looking over the bridge, thinking, How did we create all of this?

From forests and rivers to skyscrapers and full industries.

We are builders. We create stories. And we get to choose new ones.

• You are more than one identity.
• You are more than one chapter.
• You can reinvent and create over and over again.

Your career will go through phases. You will play different roles in life. Don’t let one identity define you forever.

👉 3. Reconnect with the parts of you that never change.

When you're fully immersed in work, you stop seeing yourself outside of it.

You must actively relearn who you are:

💡 Ask yourself:

• "What do I love about myself that has nothing to do with work?"
• "Who was I as a teenager, and what did I love most?"

💡 Ask your friends & family:

• "What do they love about me that has nothing to do with my job?"
• "How can I help you? Or what can you count me on?"

The people who truly know you don't care about your title.

They care about who you are.

• The one who makes them laugh.
• The one who plays guitar like a rockstar.
• The one who shows up with the best holiday dish.
• They love you for things that can't be measured.

I can guarantee you that no one in my life cares if I’m a Product Manager. They are happy for me, sure! Some people ask how to switch into tech.

But most of all, anyone close to me wants to see me happy and to be a healthy person they enjoy a conversation and dinner with.

Actually, when I started being the truest versions of me that I hid from the world like:

• Writing this newsletter
• Studying health, wellness, psychology, etc
• Making art

People who have known me all my life would say, “Oh hey, you were always like this…painting…talking about philosophy till 4 am…this isn’t a surprise.”

So, what would not be a surprise to the people who know you best?

Who are you when you’re left completely alone, with nothing to distract you and nothing to “do”?

👉 4. Cognitive Behavioral Journaling (CBT):

Challenge the “if I’m not productive, I’m worthless” thought loop.

Exercise:

1. List core beliefs about worth and work.
2. Identify evidence for and against those beliefs.
3. Replace with healthier, grounded affirmations.

👉 5. Value yourself for things that don't need approval.

Yes, achievement feels good. But what about the things that don't require applause?

✓ Your kindness

✓ Your ability to listen

✓ Your creativity

✓ Your love for adventure

✓ The way you care for the people around you

Let go of the need for external validation.

The most valuable parts of you — your kindness, your presence, and your creativity- don’t need a performance review.

Derive your self-esteem from these.

Because if you do...

📌 No job, title, or circumstance can take your identity away.

📌 You won't need external validation to feel worthy.

📌 You'll move through life getting to know your real self, stripped away from influence.

👉 6. Create multiple sources of fulfillment.

Sometimes when we’re working hard — 70 hour weeks, and have many responsibilities like aging parents, community or kids it’s easy to forget. I had to ask well what do I really enjoy?

And I was shocked that I completely forgot what activities brought me joy because I was so focused on responsibility. Not a bad thing, as long as it’s mixed with things that truly bring you joy.

Neuroscience shows that diversity in experiences builds resilience. Invest in relationships, hobbies, learning, and personal growth so that when one area of life shifts, you don’t feel lost.

So ask yourself:

• What deeply engaging activities bring you joy and make time fly?
  • ….
• What topics ignite curiosity and foster a thirst for knowledge?
  • ….
• What have you always wanted to try but never had time, energy or resources?
  
  • …. 

👉 7. Embrace freedom from external identities

Look around.

• YouTube influencers didn't exist 20 years ago.
• Product marketing manager wasn't a job 50 years ago.
• Some people don't even know what a Product Manager is today. 

Society is constantly cooking up new identities for us to chase.

What's trending today won't matter tomorrow.

As a matter of fact, we are already seeing this today!!! What is AI? Who is a prompt engineer?

The need to catch up with a changing society and the new roles is right before our eyes.

And it will only accelerate.

👉8. Name the Part of You That Believes Work = Worth 

Most of us carry inner “parts” that form during childhood or in moments of trauma. These parts step up to protect us, often creating rigid roles like The Achiever, The Overfunctioner, or The Rescuer. They mean well. They keep us safe. But if left unchecked, they can take over our whole identity. 

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we learn that no part of us is bad—it’s just trying to protect us.

So what part of you believes your worth comes from work?

Start here:

• What’s the voice that kicks in when you’re not being productive?
• What does it sound like?
• When did this part of you first show up?
• What is it afraid will happen if you slow down? 

Give it a name.

Mine was “The Soldier.” This part emerged when I got kicked out at 15. It whispered, “We have to keep going. We have no choice. Safety means success.” It drove me to outwork everyone, say yes to everything, and never feel like I had the right to rest. 

But underneath?

That part was terrified. Of abandonment. Of being left behind. Of becoming nothing.

The goal isn’t to kill this part.

It’s to lead it from a grounded place. To say:

“I see you. Thank you for protecting me. But I’m safe now. We’re allowed to slow down. We’re allowed to rest.”

Try this:

• Visualization: Close your eyes and picture this part. How old is it? What is it wearing? What does it need to hear?
• Dialoguing: Write a letter from your current self to this part. Offer compassion. Reassure it.
• Embodiment: Notice where this part lives in your body. When it gets loud, breathe into that place. Say: “You’re safe now. I’ve got this.”

IFS teaches us that we’re not broken—we’re beautifully complex. And when we bring leadership to the parts of us that were once in charge, we create a deeper integration of self—one that’s not dependent on performance, but on presence.

👉 9. Rewrite the Story You’ve Been Living

We live in stories.

We tell ourselves, “I am this kind of person.”

Stories like:

1. “I’m the one who always holds it together.”
2. “If I’m not useful, I’m nothing.”
3. “Success is how I stay safe.”

But what if those stories were written in moments of pain, not truth?

Narrative Therapy invites us to step outside the problem-saturated story and re-author a new one—one where we aren’t defined by our past, our trauma, or our job title.

I used to tell the story:

“I survived by being independent. I earned love through achievement. I proved I was enough by always doing more.”

And while there was truth in that—it wasn’t the whole truth.

The fuller story?

“I adapted to survive. But my worth was never in question. I am loved for who I am—not what I do. I get to rest now. I get to receive.” 

Here’s how you can try this: 

1. Identify your current narrative.

Ask:

1. What story do I tell myself when I rest or fail?
2. Who gave me this narrative?
3. Who benefits from me believing this?

2. Externalize it.

Instead of saying “I am a workaholic,” say “Workaholism has shaped my life.”

This separates you from the behavior and opens the door to change.

 3. Re-author.

Write a new story that centers on your values, not your validation.

Try this prompt: 

“There was a time I believed I had to prove my worth. But then I discovered that true safety doesn’t come from achievement—it comes from trusting myself. Now I live from a place of ___.”

Backed by research:

Narrative therapy has been shown to improve self-esteem and reduce anxiety, especially in people who struggle with identity or trauma (White & Epston, 1990). A study in Psychotherapy Research found that clients who rewrote their personal narratives experienced a greater sense of meaning and long-term behavior change

Remember:

You’re not here to repeat someone else’s story.

You’re here to write your own. 

And the best stories?

They’re written with grace, not grind.

👉 BONUS: Reflect on The Following to Understand Your Authentic Self

These questions are meant to help you understand your inner self, personality, and who you are outside of your work identity. Getting in touch with yourself and your innate talents is the best way to align yourself with a career that brings you joy.

Your True Self

1. What are your gifts, talents, and passions?
   • ….
2. What words describe you best? Or how would your closest friends and family describe you?
   • ….

Your Past

1. What experiences have you had that you think align with your purpose?
   • ….
2. What childhood or teenage dreams still inspire you?
   • ….
3. What things have you done in life because of social conditioning vs. because you truly wanted to (status, family, etc)?
   • ….

You Now

1. What are you most excited about right now, day to day?
   • ….
2. What worries you most? What drains you most?
   • ….
3. What do you feel is missing in your life?
   • ….
4. If you had unlimited resources, time, and no need to please anyone what would you be doing now?
   • …. 

If you let your identity be defined by what's temporary, you will always feel lost when society expects you to change — to find a new role to play.

But if you build your self-worth on who you truly are—outside of work, outside of titles, outside of achievements—you will be free.

Your job can change. Your career can evolve. The world can force a change.

But your essence stays the same.